Joke Thread!

You know it would be really nice if we could have a daily joke thread!! We don't so I hope Miss Brae and Mr Orv are okies with me doing a joke thread!

Heres my first!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

[Kai Allard]

*laughs* http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

My turn I guess http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif

A Teacher says to her class,
"It is a known fact that Animals do not stutter"

Little Timmy at the back of the class raises his
hand and says, "Are you sure Miss?"

Teacher says, "Yes Timmy, why?"

Little timmy, "Well the other day my nieghbors Dog
got into our backyard and my Cat went, fft!... fft!.. fft!...
and before he could say F#%@ Off! the Dog ate him"

[JadeViper]

OMG!! LMFAO!! *tries to catch her breath* I dont know if I'm laughing because it's late, but that was funny!!

Ok, mods, please please sticky this, what a great idea! Here's mine http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Oh, fyi, I must be an oddball lawyer-person, because I actually LOVE lawyer jokes! So, I have a ton!


Subject: Think you're having a bad day?


An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing
day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Walter
Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-
minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What
time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a
long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic
remarks.


While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered
and was told that her husband's client, Walter Wright, had been
granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he
must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him
the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.



"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying
out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"

hahahah!

<blockquote><hr>

I hope Miss Brae and Mr Orv are okies with me doing a joke thread!

[/ QUOTE ]

As long as the jokes stay clean and within the RoC, I say Huzzah! Good jokes so far! Thanks for the morning laughs http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/icons/more/biggrin.gif

Of course!!

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Here ya go Jade!!

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so darned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

[JadeViper]

OMG Girl!! Tooooo funny http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

~~
One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced
that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their
clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts
it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get
babies."

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and
said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies.
That's how you get jewelry."

[imported_Chaucer of TS]

A man is strolling down a beach in California one day and trips over something in the sand. He bends down and picks it up and starts to wipe sand off it. About this time a Genie pops out and thanks the man profusely for releasing him and that he will give the man any one wish he desires. The man thinks for a bit and says "well I don't like boats and I hate planes but I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. My wish is for you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii". The genie says "I don't know that would be an almost impossible feat. Isn't there anything else you would like?". The man thinks for a bit and says "ok, I'll forget about the bridge if you can make it so I can understand women". The genie replies "so, how many lanes would you like on that bridge?".

[JadeViper]

I had to add two for today, just because the last line got me http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

A Pathetically Honest Resume

OBJECTIVE: To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION: School: Very Expensive

Major: Not Important

GPA: Don't Ask

EMPLOYMENT:

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)

Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.

MONEY MANAGEMENT(4/97-12/99)

Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:

*Solitaire

*Minesweeper

*On/Off Repair Method

HONORS AND AWARDS:

*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament

*Said Toast at brother's wedding

*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.

[Artemus]

There was a homeless man walking on the beach early one morning looking for anything he could get money for so he could buy some food and eat that day. As he l walked his foot hit something in the sand. He dug this bottle out and while wiping it off, watched a genie come out of the bottle.


He stood there stunned as the genie began to speak. “I am the genie in the jar. I will grant you 3 wishes, but must inform you that I am a fair genie. Anything you ask you will have, but to the person you have anger and bitterness towards, that person shall receive twice as much as you so you can learn to give to those who have hurt you.”



The genie continued, “I sense great bitterness toward your ex-wife.” The man told the genie how the last 2 years of divorce court cost him everything that his ex-wife didn’t take, and now he was penniless and homeless.



The genie was happy to help this poor man and said he could begin with his 3 wishes now. The man blurted out, “I need money.” The genie asked, “How much?” and the man responded, “A million… no 5 million dollars.” The genie said, “OK, just remember your ex-wife is getting 10 million dollars,” and the man said, “Fine, just do it.”



Poof… there was 5 million dollars in a pile so big the man was astounded to see that kind of cash. but looked with envy at his ex wife's pile...



He then thought about being homeless, and told the genie he wanted a big 10 bedroom mansion right here on the beach; swimming pool, game room and all.



Poof… there was a huge home on the beach with a really big place next store. The genie pointed and said, “That’s your ex-wife’s,” and the man nodded thinking "Great there goes the neighborhood".



The genie said, “This is your third and final wish, choose carefully.” The man stopped for a long while to think. The genie was feeling pretty good about the change in the man’s attitude, but was a bit surprised when the man handed him the stick he had been holding and asked “Can you please beat me half to death?”

[CassieDarksong]

An Elf, Human and Dwarf were all sittin' around the pub one day having a pint of ale. Suddenly, in the strangest coincidence, 3 flies land simultaneously, 1 in each of the 3 pints.

Well, the Elf is properly disgusted and in the best Common declares, "Oh my! This is disgusting! I can't possibly drink it. Barkeep? Bring me another pint and take this rot away."

The barkeep removes the offending brew and quickly replaces it with a fresh glass. The contented Elf continues with his ale.

The Human, having observed the Elf's rather prudish response, gets a wicked sly grin, picks up his glass declaring in his thick brogue, "Aye, it's just a wee bit'o protein, idn' it?" and downs the pint, fly and all.

He turns to the Dwarf, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and is about to say something when he notices that the Dwarf is turning a bright, angry shade of red and glaring violently down into his pint. Suddenly, the Dwarf thrusts his thumb and forefinger into the pint glass, grabs the fly and starts violently shaking it over the glass yelling, "Spit it out, you wee [censored]! Spit it out!!!"

[JadeViper]

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY



LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND COWORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

[Suicide Bard]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees
who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our:

Special High Intensity Training (SH*T).

We take pride in the amount of SH*T our employees receive. We have given
our employees more SH*T than any company in this area.
If any employee
feels they do not receive enough SH*T on the job, see your immediate
Supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SH*T you can stand.

And, once again,
thanks for all your years of service with us.

Best regards,

Your HR Dept.

[Suicide Bard]

A Letter Good Bye :





A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.



But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant maybe with twins, we find out later this week. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that weed doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the coke and xstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son,
John.


P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home."

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[Suicide Bard]

Don’t make this mistake. . . .

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
and he said to her,

"Just so you know,
I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens,
just pull the plug."

His wife got up,
Kissed him ever so gently,
unplugged the Computer
and threw out all of his beer!

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haha!

[SuekaMalchick]

Well i would tell i joke but as you know sounder, most of my jokes would prolly get me yelled at from brae or someone for saying such things hehe

[Suicide Bard]

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,
then sighed again.

Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A+.
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[Suicide Bard]

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still
winter," I replied. "Forget it."
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that
it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the
ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer.
As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a
neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit
there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the
house?"
Glancing up at my wife, I responded,

"She doesn't like Beer."
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[Suicide Bard]

Remember I dont write these, I just pass them along so we all can get a Laugh http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

I have learned that if you upset your Wife or Girlfriend she nags you.....

If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant.

Don't you think it'sworth the extra effort???
``````````````````````````````

When your Girl asks, "Do I look fat?"

The Correct Response is, “Do I look Stupid?”
````````````````````````

[Suicide Bard]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your underwear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Suicide Bard

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And
saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


AMEN!!!!

[Elsgaroth]

There was an elderly man and woman that was married 50 years, kids gone, and everything to enjoy.

On the morning of their 50th anniversary, the elderly woman said, "Do you remember when we used to sit at the table naked in the mornings during our first ten years of marriage?"

The husband replied, "Of course. We were too tired to dress".

"Well i think we should do it again," the wife stated.

After they got undressed the wife said,"This brings back so many memories. Like this warm feeling in my breasts"

"Well,'' said the husband, "that's because you havbe one in your eggs and the other in your grits"



P.S.
This joke was produced by Wealdgard

[Kai Allard]

How do you make 12 Pounds of Fat look attractive?

Put a nipple on it

*runs and hides*

hahaha

[Suicide Bard]

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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
```````````````````````````

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
```````````````````
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider or a little mouse.
````````````````

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
````````````````````````````

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
``````````````````

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "my in-laws."
````````````````````````

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
````````````````````````

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
```````````````````````

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
``````````````````````````

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said,
"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
````````````````````

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Suicide Bard]

DEFINITION of UGLY

AN UGLY WOMAN WALKS INTO A SHOP WITH HER TWO KIDS.

THE SHOPKEEPER ASKS" ARE THEY TWINS"?

THE WOMANS SAYS" NO, HE'S 9 AND SHE'S 7

WHY? DO YOU THINK THEY LOOK ALIKE?

"NO" HE REPLIES I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE GOT WITH YOU TWICE!
http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

`````````````````````
To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&amp;M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you retard!

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

New Pressure Sensitive Passowrds!
These are actual lines quoted from 3 email between me and a client.

user: I tried to check it out but my login and password don’t work. It says “wrong password”. I don’t know what other password to give it?

me: I just tested it and your user name and password work fine. Please try again.

user: Okay, If I hit the enter key on my keyboard a little hard it works.

http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/confused.gif

[JadeViper]

How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids:


Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego's (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Automobile Test:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test: (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test: (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

[JadeViper]

Ex-Husband

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Another True Story more than a joke but I thought it was hilarious. Hope no one knows this guy, if so my apologies.

Mouse Thrown Into Fire Gets Its Revenge

Fort Sumner, N.M.

A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81. of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a hotel room on Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

The home was destroyed.

Kitsap Sun news services

[deadpoet4]

You know you've been spending too much time on UO...

When you go to the dry cleaners, and when they hand you your receipt you ask "don't I get a BOD with that?"

[Suicide Bard]

W.I.C.O.E.
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE:

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET &amp; FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES &amp; SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO:

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN/TRASH?
Group discussion and role playing available if needed.

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the ONE man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation a must to pass class.

LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES &amp; CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class, Paper will be available if needed for a charge of $1.00 per sheet, writing items $2.00 deposit (refundable, up on passing class)

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available.


http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Suicide Bard]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Remember Always Always ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®. Before using this product.

[JadeViper]

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts


1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

How many OSI stratics moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb?


All of them!

[glbanksitter]

God, I've got a good bunch of Jokes, But I'll get in trouble if I post em all on Stratics. Heres a Clean one though:


Because I'm a man
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a coat
hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I
will win.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where
to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of
holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________________ _

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
__________________________________________________ _____

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, food, cars, or sport. I have to make up
something else and lie when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your Mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around
in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
______________________________________________

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men

[glbanksitter]

Here's another one:

A Widow's Letter To God:

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
****s at the Post Office.

[glbanksitter]

Bill Gates at the Pearly Gates:

In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded -- his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."

[glbanksitter]

Symptoms of The Bird Flu:

Symptoms of Bird Flu

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield

[glbanksitter]

Calling Tech Support:

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech Support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech Support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech Support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

===============

Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female Customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech Support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech Support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you..

===============

Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech Support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under 'Windows'?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech Support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the 'Program Manager'.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

One Liner
Why do women like circumcised men? Because they can't resist 10% off.

Joke 1
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

Joke 2
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Joke 1
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

Joke 2
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

[CassieDarksong]

*groans at the tech support* It would be funny if I wasnt at the receiving end of some of those calls....

[CassieDarksong]

The buzzword in today's business world is
MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple
explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

Let's say you are a woman. You see a handsome guy at a
party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see
a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him
and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."


That's Advertising.


You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and get his telephone number. The next day you
call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You
say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He
walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic
in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He
fancies you, but you talk him into going home with
your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize
that there could be handsome men in all these houses
you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.

[Suicide Bard]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.

She walks over to him and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar; but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real arsewhole when you're drunk."

Joke 1
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that f*cking wall!”

Q &amp; A
Q: How do you confuse an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

Joke 2
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Joke 1
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

Joke 2
A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'

[CassieDarksong]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I have arrived
Date: October 16th 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Joke 1
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

Joke 2
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

[Suicide Bard]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

================================================== ========

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door
opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
backyard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. ?Re-shovel oily
dirt
into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty
litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. ?Wipe eyes with
oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

AMEN!! http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Joke 1
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

Joke 2
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[JadeViper]

Things Not to Say on a Date

There are many of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date:

- "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

- "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."

- "I used to come here all the time with my ex."

- "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."

- "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."

- "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be, I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

- "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

- "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."

[JadeViper]

Here's a good one! I'm sure *many* of you won't apply to it http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/tongue.gif


Internet Addict Recovery Program


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

[JadeViper]

If I find lawyer jokes funny, am I going to be one of those really wierd lawyers? http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

Enjoy!


Three Surgeons...

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation. They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on.

The first doctor said, "I like to work on electricians."

"Why?" the others replied.

He answered, "When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes."

The second doctor said, "I like to work on librarians."

"Why?" the other doctors asked.

He replied, "Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern."

The third doctor said, "Well, I like to work on lawyers."

"Lawyers?!" replied the others suprised.

"Yes, Lawyers" he stated.

"But why?" they asked him.

"Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable."

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The
store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up
another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to
the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You a re visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store

[JadeViper]

The Man and the Raffle

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.


They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.


Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.


Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.


About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"


Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?


"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna' switch back to paper."

[JadeViper]

Employee Performance Evaluation Laughs

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

[Suicide Bard]

Cowboy in a gay bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink.
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty
cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it
takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you
guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,
because"
Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!"
And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says,
"Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Joke 1
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right."

So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.

"Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Joke 2
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[JadeViper]

Who's the boss?


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.


Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!


You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.


After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will make love the way that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.


Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[Kelly240]

Not exactly a joke, but funny all the same.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those who fly routinely.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S by maintenance engineers) . By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in ****pit. [edit: argh, I'm guessing you can figure out what this is]

S: Something tightened in ****pit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in ****pit.

S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Joke 1
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

For all ye Dwarf role players out there!!&gt;&gt;

Joke 2
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the f*cking bed."

[JadeViper]

10 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

4. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

5. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

6. Don't use any punctuation.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."

9. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

The Best Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

Hospital Chart Notes:

These claim to be actual notes from patients' hospital charts. I sure wish they came with the hospital's names so I could avoid these hospitals...

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Anybody use Windows ,... doh! lol
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

[Latobian]

Just got this in an e-mail thought I'd pass it along. I hope its not on here yet I haven't read the entire thread yet. http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/blush.gif

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

[gazellemon]

Now honestly, how many of us are like this?

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND :

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago. The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house- keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting....Love, Cindy.

Joke 1
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Joke 2
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

I know we have all been in this situation,... some time or another,....omg ,...lol
Joke 3
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

[imported_Maelwyn]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every guy on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

HAHAHA!! That was great LOL!

Thanks,... Nice to know I am not the only one out there that has a Sense Of Humor,....lol
RED SKY

Joke 1
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the [censored] buried upside down..."

Joke 2
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

ahahahahhaah

[coldasice]

all of us married people should appreciate this one


A Business man and his secretary go on a business trip. Due to a mix up they end up in one hotel room together (2 beds). During the night the secretary complains she is cold and ask her boss to get her an an extra blanket. He tells her that instead of doing that why dont they just pretend for one night that they are married. She says she would like that alot. He says "Good get your own damn blanket!"

Joke 1
The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.

The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance."

The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could."

The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!"

"Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"

Joke 2
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

Joke 3
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

[Kai Allard]

Whats Brown and Sticky and looks like a Stick?

A Stick http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif


What happened to the Irish Jellyfish?

It Set http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif


Whats White and sits in the corner?

A naughty Fridge http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[Kai Allard]

Knock Knock

[LarisaBTH]

Who's There?

http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Kai Allard]

Bear

Bear who?

[Kai Allard]

Bear Bum!

http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif tehehe...

lmao! http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[Death Magnet]

Remember I don't write the jokes I just pass them around so we all can
have a few LAUGHS!! If you are easily offended by my jokes.
Please feel free to take 15 min and hold your breath! The feeling will pass!
http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat
said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian
cat."
The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part
Siamese.
Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said
nothing.
Then the first two cats asked her,"What are your kittens?" She replied,
"Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
```````````````````````

Good solutions!!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of

boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache..

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
really are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it

should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

`````````````````````````
Two blondes bought a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try.
After a long while, one blonde said to the other, "Well, we'll throw
him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll just shoot
the son of a biscuit!"
``````````````````
What's the difference between a blonde and a pot head?
A pothead stops being too stupid by not inhaling.

http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Joke 1
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Joke 2
Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Joke 3
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[Death Magnet]

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.



***DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1 A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
"Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."


***WEDDINGS ***


Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom; at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in the sights.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

3 Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4 When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


**TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[Death Magnet]

Dangerous Virus:

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor
(WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Copy this and send it to 5 of your friends.....
If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected
and WORK is controlling your life.
http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/frown.gif

Joke 1
These three friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Joke 2
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

[Death Magnet]

*My **wife told me a while back that we needed to cut down on our expenses and I needed to quit drinking Macallum Single Malt Scotch. I didn't drink very much but agreed to quit to save money.

One day I looked at the Macys receipt she brought home and saw that she spent $185.41 on makeup!

I asked her why I had to quit drinking my 30 year old scotch to save money but she could spend that much on makeup?
She told me that she buys cosmetics to make herself look beautiful for me.

I told her that's what the scotch was for*
`````````````````````````````````````

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
```````````````````````````````
http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Joke 1
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Joke 2
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

omg

Joke 1
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Joke 2
Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your [censored] cat."

Joke 3
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

OMG! http://boards.stratics.com/php-bin/shared/images/graemlins/cool.gif